The Lines We Pretend We Didnt Cross
by bosswoman88
Summary: Rayna and Deacon have always danced on the edge of the caution line. How many times did they cross it?
1. Chapter 1

**Rayna and Deacon in the beginning:**

Rayna was a touchy-feely person. She was always hugging the life out of everyone, putting a hand on your shoulder, kissing your cheek when she saw you. She let you know she cared in a million tiny ways most people would barely even notice.

But Deacon noticed.

When they first met, he was thrown off by this. He didn't even know how to respond. She was only 16. He was almost 20, but it was an old 20. Yeah, she was a sweet girl. Yeah, they made the most amazing music together, but anything more than that was out of the question. Watty White had made that perfectly clear. Rayna always trying to hug him and clinging to his arm like she did , jumping up and down when she got excited….He just….wasn't used to it.

And Rayna noticed _this_.

At first she thought she had imagined it. She worked herself into a silent mess worrying about it. _Maybe I make him uncomfortable. I bet he thinks I'm just a kid._ After a couple weeks of playing that not-so-fun game with herself, she made up her mind to just ask him.

So she did.

They'd gotten into this habit of him parking down the street and walking her to the gate, so Lamar wouldn't hear his crappy old truck coming or going.

 _I can walk myself the rest of the way, Deacon. It's only two blocks._

 _Like hell_ , he'd say indignantly. _Its midnight. And it's dark._

"Thanks for the ride, Deacon," she said one night as he walked her to the edge of the property. She leaned over and kissed his cheek, like she always did.

The flinch as she was barely noticeable, but it was there. "Why do you do that?" She asked curiously, unable to _not_ ask anymore.

"Do what?"

"Tense up every time I get near you?"

"I don't." Deacon said, looking away, avoiding her eyes as he got real busy looking at the moon and the trees and everything except her.

"Yes you do." She stood with one hand cocked on her hip.

"I guess because I ain't used to that."

"Being _hugged_?"

He looked uncomfortable, as though he'd already said too much.

But she saw it, there in his eyes, and the puzzle pieces fell into place, and she saw him as a little boy who maybe had only ever wanted nothing more than a hug from his mama and daddy. And hadn't gotten one. She hurt for him. So much.

"Deacon," she whispered.

He looked so miserable. Clearly embarrassed, he turned to leave. "See ya, Rayna."

She grabbed his arm before he could walk away.

"Now listen here," she said, her voice wobbling a little. Hurting for that little kid that he'd been. "I intend to hug you every time I see you, so you better get used to it."

He laughed softly and reached down to brush the red-gold strands of hair off her pretty face. "You are somethin else. I'm gonna hold you to that." She was so damn young. Too young for him. Too inexperienced in how harsh life could be. He'd learned from a young age not to expect much: out of life, out of people… But Rayna, she'd grown up with _everything_. And she had expectations.

Rayna flashed him a bright smile, and then she slid her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. She felt that same tightness at first, but she wasn't giving up. She stood there under the moonlight holding onto him for dear life, and after a minute the tension in his body slowly drain away, and his hands came up and rested cautiously on her hips. She heard give a soft sigh against her ear.

"See, this isn't so bad," she said, her voice muffled by his flannel shirt.

"Yeah," he laughed softly and buried his face in her hair, inhaling the exotic scent of her shampoo. "I guess not."

 _This ain't crossing the line_ , he thought to himself. _It's just a hug. Everybody does that._

Years later, when he was in her band…when she married Teddy….when she wore Luke's ring on her finger, she still hugged him. And somewhere along the way he'd stopped flinching, too.

 _"Why do you do that?"_ Teddy asked once, annoyed, when he saw her greet Deacon at an industry party with a side-hug and a kiss on the cheek.

 _"Do what?" She asked as she grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter._

 _"Hug him like that. It's not really appropriate."_

 _Rayna looked surprised that he'd even noticed. "I don't know, Teddy, I guess it's just what we do. We're friends. Isn't that what friends do?" It was so automatic with Deacon, she never even thought about it anymore._

 _Teddy did not look convinced._

So she stopped hugging Deacon around Teddy. She just settled for a nice hand on his arm instead.

But it didn't mean she didn't want to.


	2. Chapter 2

**That Time Rayna Made a Suggestion**

They'd been sitting here on this blanket in Percy Warner all afternoon. It was the perfect kind of Nashville afternoon, not too hot and sticky, with a nice breeze that came along at just the right moments. They were supposed to be trying to write a song, but Rayna had done nothing but draw circles for the last half hour as she sat upright with her back against the trunk of a massive oak tree.

She snuck a peak at Deacon over the edge of her notepad. He was staring intently at the music written in front of him, swearing under his breath as he tried to put the chords together. She thought he was so cute, the way he wrinkled up his forehead when he was concentrating real hard. He had a way about him, kinda rough around the edges. And the prettiest eyes. And hair. He had great hair.

Indeed, Deacon Claybourne was equally about the prettiest and most frustrating guy she'd ever met in her life.

She'd heard her sister Tandy make jokes about sexual frustration before. Sure, Tandy was four years old theoretically, but experience wise, well Rayna figured she was about _ten_ years older at least. Ever since their mom died, Tandy had run a little bit wild. Her sister did things with men that made her blush even _thinking_ about, and then she just…mentioned them in casual company like it was no big deal. Rayna knew it was mostly to piss off Lamar. He'd get that angry look in his eyes, but then he'd just laugh Tandy off and say _"Some day, Tandy. Some day you're going to settle down and come in work for me in this office where you belong. Both of my daughters will. "_ And that pissed Tandy off even more. _I'd rather jump in the Cumberland naked in January,_ she'd say flatly before high-tailing it out the door.

Well Rayna didn't want to work in any stuffy old office either, no matter what Lamar said.

She just wanted to sing. And maybe do it with this guy sitting next to her.

And maybe, she thought, feeling her face flame at the thought, do _other_ things too.

She wondered if this is kinda what it felt like…to _want_ somebody.

 _Man. I really wanna touch his hair_.

She was mortified a little by her silent thoughts. It wasn't like she'd never dated anyone. There'd been lots of little crushes, lots of one time dates with boys who were just okay, and kisses that made her wonder if they were doing something wrong or if was her, because she just didn't _enjoy_ it like she thought she should. But Deacon wasn't a high school boy. He was a _man_.

The song was going nowhere in a hurry, and she didn't even care. They'd been sitting there all afternoon, and all she kinda wanted to do was stare at him.

 _I wonder what it'd be like to kiss him. I bet_ he _knows how to do it right._

Truthfully she'd fallen in…. _something_ with Deacon from the moment she met him six months ago. She hadn't quite figured out what it was yet. All she knew was that he made her feel things she didn't know what to do with, and those high school boys were a distant memory.

"Maybe we should just give up for the day," Deacon dropped his guitar on the blanket next to him and laid on his back with his arm over his eyes.

Rayna bit her bottom lip. "I guess. It's just that…well, I'm tired of singing everyone else's songs, you know? The stuff Watty gives us is good, but it's not…me."

"You can't write love songs if you've never been in love, Rayna." He said, sounding tired. "That's the problem. You're 17. You're life is too damn good. You don't have anything to write about."

"That's not true." She pursed her lips together. "You don't know I haven't been…in love," she shot back. "And my life has been plenty hard."

Deacon lifted his arm off his eyes and looked at her with a smirk. "Yeah, right. Growing up in a mansion in Belle Meade?"

"Don't judge….What about you, anyway?"

"I don't do love," he fell back, arm across his eyes to block out the sun again. "And you don't want to hear about how I grew up. It sure as hell was no picnic."

"Maybe we just need some inspiration."

Deacon didn't move. She thought for a second he'd fallen asleep. He always looked so damn tired, between the gigs he played downtown and the nights he bartended for cash.

"Maybe we should make out," she blurted out before she could stop herself. Damn, her mouth! She was turning into Tandy before her own eyes.

But oh, she had his attention _now_.

It would have been hysterical, if she wasn't so damn embarrassed, the look he gave her.

"What?"

Rayna clapped her hand over her mouth and her face turned about the same color as her hair.

His mouth moved up and down and no sound came out, as he sat up and ran his hands over his face, but Rayna could have almost sworn she saw him trying not to smile.

"Is that what you're sitting over there thinkin' about?"

She took a deep breath. "Well haven't you ever thought about it…a little?"

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't."

Hell, he was lying now. He thought about kissing her just about every time he saw her. But that was dangerous territory. Rayna was the kind of girl you never got over. The kind you wrote songs about. Funny how they were having so much trouble writing now, when he had half a dozen songs waiting at home that were all about her.

"You know we're friends, Ray. Partners. And that's how it's gotta stay."

"I know," she murmured, her heart sinking just about to her boots. She felt like an idiot.

"You and me, that's just…a bridge we shouldn't cross."

"Why, because I'm seventeen?" she said testily.

"No," he said, truthfully. "Because I'm not good enough for you."

"You put yourself down too much," she said shook her head. "Honestly? Maybe I haven't been in love, Deacon. Or maybe I'm just bored with all those guys who don't know what to do or where to put their hands when they kiss me goodnight."

"Rayna!" he looked appalled.

"I'm just saying, Deacon," she said softly. "Sometimes I look at you and I just…want to know what it's like. Don't you?"

He got a funny look in his eyes. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't."

"So…okay?" She gazed at him, looking a little too pleased with herself.

"Yeah. Okay."

"Well, are you gonna….or do you want me to."

He shook his head. "Damn, you are impatient."

Rayna threw her head back and laughed. "Are you scared of me, Deacon Claybourne?"

"Yes," he said quietly. "Scared to death."

She stopped laughing abruptly. "Why?" she whispered.

Instead of answering her, Deacon leaned over and brushed his lips against hers, lightly at first, waiting to see if she had changed her mind. Rayna's eyes fluttered closed and then back open, and she looked stunned, and then her face broke into a little smile.

"That was kinda nice," She said softly, feeling the butterflies in her stomach take flight. Yes, _this_ was how it was supposed to feel. Like you were coming alive for the first time. "Maybe you should do it again."

Deacon pulled her across his lap, and did just that, kissing her deeper this time, sliding his tongue into her mouth and making sure he did a goddamn good enough job of convincing her that she no longer had a use for those other guys. She was _his_ now, and it was too late to go back even if he wanted to.

When their makeout session ended some while later and they were laying on the blanket with Rayna's head on his chest, soaking up the last of the afternoon sun, the words to the song he'd been struggling with all afternoon came to him out of nowhere.

Rayna lifted her head and looked at him, as if she could read his thoughts even though he hadn't said a word. She scrambled for the pad of paper, and he reached for his guitar.

 _I got a funny feeling  
The moment that your lips touched mine  
Something shot right through me  
My heart skipped a beat in time  
There's a different feel about you tonight  
It's got me thinking lots of crazy things  
I even think I saw a flash of light  
It felt like electricity _

_You shouldn't kiss me like this  
Unless you mean it like that  
'Cause I'll just close my eyes  
And I won't know where I'm at_  
 _We'll get lost on this dance floor spinning around  
And around and around and around_

 _They're all watching us now  
They think we're falling in love  
They'd never believe we're just friends  
When you kiss me like this I think you mean it like that  
If you do baby kiss me again_

Suddenly they had a hell of a lot to write about. And some years later, whenever they got stuck on a song, she'd give him a bump on the shoulder and say "wanna make out?" Sometimes it didn't work like it had the first time.

But sometimes it did, even when _they_ shouldn't have…


	3. Chapter 3

**That Time Deacon Lost His Pants and Rayna Lost Something Else-**

"Come on, we gotta hurry," Deacon said as he threw his guitar case in the backseat of his truck and Rayna climbed into the passenger seat next to him. "It's 11:30 and I know how your daddy is about that midnight curfew since he let you come back home. And besides, I can't wait to get these ugly ass clothes off." They'd just finished up playing a gig Watty had set up for a private party in Nashville. It had been kind of a hoity toity thing, a birthday party for some rich Nashville doctor, and he'd grumbled to no end when Rayna told him in no uncertain terms he needed to wear a suit.

Rayna shook her head. "We don't have to hurry. I don't have to be home tonight. Actually I have until 7 a.m tomorrow morning."

The last year had been a rough one, that was for sure. To say Lamar disliked her interest in being a country music star…was putting it nicely. He'd already thrown her out once, and she'd spent several months living with Watty and his wife before Lamar had decided he didn't like that either.

He couldn't control her when she was living across town, and Rayna knew that was driving him crazy. Truthfully she had displayed no desire to _ever_ go back to that house, but it was Deacon who had convinced her to give it another shot.

 _Family's important, Ray. He's still your father._

His head jerked in her direction. "What about your curfew? Is Lamar out of town?"

"No," she muttered something under her breathe Deacon couldn't here.

"What?"

"He thinks I'm at the prom," Rayna said, waving it off as if it was no big deal. She quickly changed the subject. "So how about this, huh? Playing our first real gig? I thought it went great."

"Rayna." He gave the most distressed look. "First of all, why aren't you at your prom? And second of all, I don't want any more trouble with Lamar. Things are going good for you, I don't want to blow it."

It explained the dress, though. She'd gone all out for the gig, with her turquoise green ball gown and high heels, her hair swept up and to one side, diamond earrings sparkling in her ears. The effect was stunning. And suddenly she didn't look 17 anymore either. _God, she's gorgeous,_ he thought silently. _And she's mine._ _How is she mine_?

"Well Deacon, they certainly weren't going to let _you_ in to the prom," Rayna tried to make light of it. "And I didn't want to go with anyone else. It's not that big of a deal. I stopped at Lori's house earlier and jumped in a few of the girls pictures before they left so I'd have something to show Lamar as proof."

"It _is_ a big deal," he argued. "You should be doing…high school stuff. Hanging out with your friends. Not playing gigs with a loser like me and breaking every one of your father's rules."

"Most of those girls at school except Lori and Karen are so mean and petty, I wouldn't care if I never went back again," she said defensively. "They are _not_ my friends."

"They're jealous."

"Of what?" Rayna retorted. "I have a dead mother and a father who tries to kill my dreams every chance he gets."

"Because you're beautiful," Deacon said without hesitation. "And talented. And they damn well know it. And you _should_ be at the prom with some lawyer's kid or some football player, not trying to make a life playing birthday parties and free gigs for tips in a coffee can."

"I'd rather play a gig with you any day," she shook her head.

She loved Deacon. She _did._ She might have not been sure it was love at first, but more and more lately she felt like this had to be what it was.

"I love you, Deacon," she said quietly, reaching up to lay a hand against his cheek. It was the first time she'd ever said it outloud. "I want you to know that."

His eyes turned that dark blue color she loved, like they did when she knew he just had so much he was trying to say, and sometimes he didn't know how. She didn't always need words. She could feel his emotions just in the way he looked at her. "I love you too, Ray."

Rayna's heart swelled til she felt like her chest wouldn't even hold it anymore. She pressed a sweet, convincing kiss to his lips. "I want to be with you. Get used to it. Take me home. To your place."

Deacon' resolution melted away. She could have convinced him to swallow a cactus and walk over broken glass barefoot if she wanted to. And he probably would have done it without being told twice. When Rayna looked up at him with those pretty eyes, he was a goner. Every single time. He had been since the moment he laid a glance on her, taking hold of the attention of every single person in the Bluebird Café like they'd never seen anything like her. They hadn't. He hadn't either.

But still, his eyebrows furrowed worriedly. "I don't know if that's such a good idea. You know lately it's been gettin' harder and harder for us to behave when we're alone."

Rayna knew, alright. They'd been playing and recording together for over a year now. They'd been officially dating for about six months, if she thought you wanted to call it dating. They hardly ever had time alone. Watty watched them both like hawks, and Rayna always felt like Lamar had spies in this city lurking around every corner to report back to him.

The time they did get alone, their little couch makeout sessions lately had been getting hot and heavier, and less and less clothing was involved every time. They'd come pretty close to having sex a couple times, but it was always Deacon who pulled back and reminded her that it wasn't a good idea. She was 17, and they couldn't play music together if Lamar had his butt put in prison for statutory rape.

 _"He makes threats but he'd never do that," Rayna insisted. "He's all talk."_

 _"Maybe so," Deacon would say, as he buttoned her shirt back up for her and kissing the end of her nose. "But I ain't inclined to find out. You'll be 18 in five months. We can wait that long."_

Frankly, his damn nobility was driving her crazy.

"Let's….not behave tonight," she suggested, shooting him a sideways glance as he started up the truck and pulled out of the parking lot. She could see his knuckles gripping the steering wheel so hard they turned white. _Oh my god, he's nervous. That's adorable._

He didn't say much the rest of the ride back to his apartment, but she could tell exactly where his mind was as they settled on the couch with a couple of beers and a bowl of popcorn to watch a late night movie.

"This is nice," Rayna said contentedly, as she snuggled in closer to him.

"Yeah, it is," he murmured, his mouth content to kiss a path across her neck and his hands wandering along the hem of her shirt and down the back of her jeans while she stretched out full-length next to him.

"Be honest with me," she said, turned in his arms until she was almost underneath him, his hips tight against hers. It felt good, and she could tell he thought so too. The proof of that way obvious, she thought with a little smirk. _At least I know I have an effect on him._ She reached one finger up and smoothed the deep creases in his forehead. "Is it really my daddy that's keeping us from going all the way?"

Deacon turned his head and kissed the palm of her hand. "Sorta, he admitted. "You know I have a lot more experience than you, darlin'."

She scowled at him. "Thanks for the reminder."

It was no secret that he was a playboy. Watty reminded her just about every day. But even Watty would have admitted he'd hardly looked sideways at another girl since Rayna came along.

"I know you never have before. And I just want to make sure it's good for you. And that you're ready."

She leaned up and pressed a kiss to his collarbone, sending all five of his senses about through the ceiling just with the feel of her lips against his skin. "I told you," she whispered. "I love you, Deacon. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather make love with for the first time than you."

He kinda gave a little sigh, and sat up on the couch.

For a second, disappointment washed over her.

"Come on," he said, scooping her up in his arms, making her squeal. "It sure as hell ain't going to be on this old couch."….

#################################

She woke in his arms when the sun was just peeking up over the horizon outside, splashing across the posters of country music greats that covered his walls. There was a feeling of contentedness she'd never experienced before, like she was a different person.

 _He's mine_ , she thought, gazing over at Deacon. _And I'm his._

She had absolutely no regrets about making love with him. He'd been patient and sweet, and she'd never felt so absolutely cherished. Maybe most girls didn't have that experience the first time around, but she sure as hell had.

"Good morning," he murmured, leaning over to kiss her neck, his arm across her hip.

She smiled sleepily and snuggled in closer, wrapped only in the sheet and his arms, and perfectly content with that. "It is, isn't it?"

His eyes were solemn, watching her.

"Whatsamatter?" She murmured.

""I just kinda can't believe that happened," his eyes crinkled into a little smile.

"Me either," she gave a muffled little laugh.

"It was good though, right? What you thought and all?"

"No," she said seriously, a smile spreading across her own face. "It was way better."

"Good," he said, relaxing noticeably. "That's good."

She leaned over her bare shoulder to kiss him. "Yes. Very good. You're a…good teacher," she smirked.

He groaned and buried his face in the pillow. "Hell, that sounds awful."

But she'd stopped laughing, as if suddenly realizing the brevity of the situation. "Um, Deacon? What time is it?"

He reached for his watch on the bedside table, and swore. "Ray, it's a quarter after 8. You need to get dressed, and we need to get you home. _Now."_

It wasn't even a minute later, when she was wrapped in the sheet and scrambling to find her discarded dress, and he was in just a t-shirt and boxers, searching the living room for the suit pants he'd worn the night before that held his truck keys, when the pounding on the door started.

Rayna's heart sunk from the other room as she struggled to right side out the dress and pull it over her head, and realized it was ripped halfway up the back.

The pounding kept on.

 _Son of a bitch,_ Deacon thought silently, dread filling chest.

"You have two seconds to open this door," Lamar's looming voice came through the door. "Or I will break it down. Damages don't bother me, Mr. Claybourne. I can buy this whole damn building and a hundred more just like it."

With a sinking heart and feeling like he had no other choice, Deacon swung open the door, standing there feeling like an idiot in his t-shirt and boxers while Lamar Wyatt stepped into the tiny apartment with two of his goons.

Lamar took one look around at the meager misgivings of a little place, and sneered. "So this is where you've brought my daughter to do your slumming?"

Deacon shook his head. "Rayna comes here because she wants to. I don't make her do anything, and you can't either."

He figured Rayna was listening from the bedroom, and he hoped she'd stay there. The next ten minutes of his life kind of depended on it.

"I know she's here," Lamar's deep voice seemed to reverberate off every corner of the small apartment. "Did you really think I was going to believe that prom story? Obviously you had no other intentions but to use her for sex, just like every other dirty white trash whore you've brought here."

Rayna stepped out of the other room then, wearing a pair of his sweatpants and a tshirt. "I make my own decisions," she said defiantly. "And I choose to be here with Deacon."

Lamar laughed harshly. "I told you if you came back home you'd live according to my rules."

"If your rules include not being with him, I won't come back home," she said calmly.

"I'd suggest you get some pants on," one of Lamar's goons suggested mildly. "The back of that police car's going to be mighty cold otherwise."

Deacon told him, in no uncertain terms, that he could take that pair of pants and shove it where the sun didn't shine.

Albert lunged at him to grab him by the front of the shirt, but Lamar stopped him with an arm across his chest. "Don't waste your breath," he said. His eyes were only on his daughter. "This is it, Rayna. This is the final ultimatum. Come home right now, or don't come back. Ever."

Rayna's heart squeezed. Because he _was_ her father. And she did love him, by default. She even understood why he was the way he was sometimes. "I can't, Daddy. I need to live my own life, by my own rules. Even if that includes making mistakes."

Something flickered in Lamar's eyes, and for a second Deacon almost thought the old bastard actually showed a flash of emotion, but it disappeared just as fast.

"You will be completely cut off financially. On your own. Living like just as much as a vagrant as this man standing right here you claim to l _ove_ ," Lamar said the last word with such scorn. "Is that what you want? You're not even yet 18. I can have you dragged home by the Nashville police department within the hour."

Rayna's hand shook a little as she went forward and stood next to Deacon and tucked her hand into his. "Yes," she said quietly. "That's what I want. And we both know that won't happen. You want to control me, but you also love me because I'm your daughter. You wouldn't do that. Because I'd never forgive you. I love Deacon. This is where I want to stay."

Deacon squeezed her hand, and she felt the strength flow between the two of them.

Lamar's mouth hardened into a line, and without another word, he turned and walked out with the two henchmen behind him, the last one slamming the door so hard, the wooden copy of the 10 Commandments she knew was from from Deacon's grandmother fell off the living room wall and hit the floor.

"My goodness," Rayna said shakily, as she walked over and picked up the plaque. She had to move around or talk or something to keep from completely losing it. "I hope that's not a bad sign."

He took a few steps next to her, and took the plaque out of her hand. "Well, it's not like we broke all ten of them last night," he tried to tease her. "Just a few."

She forced herself to try a little smile, but it didn't work too well.

"This is the right thing," she mumbled as Deacon pulled her into his arms and wrapped her up tight. "I know it is. It just…hurts to see him act that way."

"I know," he said, his voice soft next to her ear. "I can't promise you much, Ray, but I can promise you I'll be here for you as long as you want me to. You can stay here, or go back to staying with Watty if you want. No pressure because of …last night. I'm sorry I even told you to try going back. It's just…I never had much for family. I wanted to believe you had better."

"Thanks." She tried to hold back the tears. "Thanks for being here."

"Let's go get some breakfast, huh?" He wiped her tears away with his thumb. "We gotta do something first though."

"What's that?"

"Find my damn pants. I can't believe I just stared down the richest man in Nashville in my underwear."

Rayna threw her head back, and this time she did laugh, long and loud and true.

 _These are the moments you remember all your life,_ she thought, feeling a little bit of peace coming over her, smiling as she watched Deacon searching the living room. She had no regrets. Maybe she would later, but right now it felt like things were happening this way for a reason, and a lesson her mama had tried to explain to he as a little girl suddenly began to make perfect sense. _These are the moments when beauty can come out of awful things, Rayna. Always try to see the beauty underneath the hurt and tragedy. It's there. Just keep looking for it._

But right now, smiling as she watched Deacon triumphantly hold up his pants in one hand and the truck keys in another, she was seventeen years old. She was in love for the first time. She had her whole life ahead of her. And she was happy.

And there was more beauty in that than anything.


	4. Chapter 4

**Oklahoma State Fair, 1992**

Rayna walked to the edge of the side stage anxiously, her eyes darting the crowd in front of the main stage, moving to the sides, anywhere she thought he might show up at the last second.

Deacon was missing again. She was supposed to go onstage and open for George Strait in 10 minutes and he was nowhere in sight.

 _Dammit, Deacon_ , she thought, not knowing whether to be pissed off or scared to death.

"What's up, Rayna?" A voice sounded behind her.

She turned to see a familiar long-haired cowboy approaching.

"Oh hey Luke," she bit her bottom lip. She didn't know Luke Wheeler that well, but he was friendly enough. He'd been playing an awful lot of the same festivals and fairs as them this summer. "Don't suppose you've seen Bucky around, have you? You know Bucky, right?"

"Sure do, but haven't seen him. Something wrong?"

She sighed. "Well Deacon's missing again. I'm sure he just got held up."

Luke didn't look too impressed. "Yeah, I bet. You know Deacon. Always getting 'held up'. You want me to sit in?"

Rayna looked relieved. "Really?"

"Yeah, no problem. I'm just playing the beer tent later. Might be fun to get out here on the main stage anyway."

"Thanks Luke," she said sincerely. "Thanks a lot."

"No problem," he said easily. "That's what friends are."

#########################################

Deacon kicked the flat tire so damn hard it made his toes hurt inside his boot. He glanced at his watch. A quarter to six. And they were supposed to be onstage at 7. Rayna was the second opener for George Strait's show tonight at the Oklahoma State Fair.

She'd been so psyched this morning talking about it. It was pure luck, really. Martina McBride was supposed to be the second opener and she'd had a family emergency and had to back out. Rayna had played a show in one of the side tents last night, and one of George's people had called Bucky and asked her to fill in.

 **"** _I can't believe this, Deacon. This is huge," Rayna squealed, throwing her arms around him as they walked towards the bus in the hotel parking lot to head back over to the fairgrounds._

 _ **"**_ _I know, baby, I'm so proud of you," he smacked a kiss on her lips. "You're gonna blow them away. I gotta go run a little errand, but I'll catch up with you at rehearsal later."_

 _She frowned. "Don't be late, okay? I don't want anything to go wrong."  
They were on a cautious path the last couple months. Him trying to stay sober had been hard but she kept trying to convince herself that he was back on the right track. She wanted to believe that so badly. _

_"I won't," Deacon said resolutely, kissing her cheek as she bid him goodbye and climbed the steps to the bus. She had promised to spend a couple hours signing autographs for the kids in the 4-H tent._

 _He watched the bus pull away, and then unfolded the piece of paper from his front shirt pocket, examining the grainy black and white picture from an automotive magazine. A blue '69 mustang. Rayna's dream car. It was for sale two hours from Oklahoma City._

 _"Ready to go, Deac?" Hal, the roadie that had agreed to give him a ride up to Springfield came walking out of the hotel._

 _"Yep," he said. "Let's hit the road."_

It had seemed like a genius plan. Hal would give him a ride. Deacon would drive the car back in a few hours. Then he'd surprise Rayna with it tomorrow for their 5th anniversary, and they take a little road trip back to Nashville together when her run of state fair shows was over in a couple weeks.

The surprise had been on him, because after making the deal and settling up with the buyer, 45 miles out of town he blew a tire. A look in the trunk revealed a flat spare and no jack anyway.

And now here he was, sitting on the side of the road while Rayna was probably going on stage. _So much for the damn anniversary._

This road was practically deserted of traffic this late in the day. Deacon realized he would have no choice but to walk out to the main highway a couple miles down the road, so with his anger at himself growing, he started walking.

By the time he'd walked all the way out to the main highway, night was settling, and he didn't even bother to look at his watch, because it would confirm what he already knew. He'd missed the gig. His heart sunk.

He watched, defeated, as the tow truck from the nearest autobody shop loaded up the car.

"Can you drop me off at the fairgrounds on the way? I'll pick up the car tomorrow."

"Sure thing, man." The tow truck driver said.

It was after 11 by the time he got let off at the fairgrounds.

George Strait was just finishing up his set. Deacon stood by the fence for a minute, watching the ferris wheel across the grounds spin high in the air, and tried to count to ten and breathe.

" _She'll understand,"_ he thought. " _This isn't like the other times. It's not like I was drinkin."_

He'd been sober for six months now. It was the longest he'd ever gone. It was a battle every single day, but he was throwing it all into his music. Writing a lot. Touring with Ray. Trying to keep the balance. The plates were wobbling, but every day he woke up sober, he was a little bit more damn proud of himself. She wanted him to go to rehab, but he didn't think he needed that. He was doing just fine on his own, even going to AA meetings sometimes. He thought they were stupid, everyone sitting around sharing their feels in a big circle like little kids, but he went anyway and didn't say nothin. Because Rayna wanted him to.

In the end, Deacon just decided to wait on the bus until she came back. If she was mad, no need causing a scene in front of everyone.

So he sat there in the darkness of the bus at the little table, opening one of the windows to let the cool night breeze in, and waited.

It wasn't too long before he heard Rayna's voice.

"Thanks for filling in, Luke," she said, her voice sounding upset. "I really appreciate it. And thanks for taking me on the Ferris Wheel. That was awful nice of you."

"Just tryin' to make ya feel better."

 _I bet he sure as hell got off on that,_ Deacon thought grimly. He knew that voice. Luke "No Hands on the Wheel'er. Sure, they pretended like they were all good buddies, but he wasn't an idiot. Luke was always waiting around for him to screw up again so he could swoop in and save Rayna's day.

"You deserve better," Luke was saying. "I told you Rayna, you shouldn't put up with it."

Rayna sounded like she was sniffling, and Deacon could just imagine the jackass putting his arm around her. Yup, he'd about had enough. He got out of the seat and walked down the bus aisle and descended the steps loudly.

Rayna spun around, and he could see it all over her face, the relief at first simply because he was alive and standing in front of her. Yeah, she might have been putting on a good show, but she'd been scared to death. For him.

"Well look who decides to show up now," Luke said wryly.

"I'll take it from here," Deacon said evenly, leaning in the doorway of the bus.

"I bet you will," Luke shot Rayna another glance. "You need anything, all you have to do is call."

"She won't."

Luke shook his head in disgust and walked off back towards the main gate.

Rayna watched him go, and then she turned back to Deacon, her relief quickly turning to anger. "Where were you?" She asked, trying to keep her composure. "You promised, Deacon. _You promised."_

"Baby, I'm so sorry," he said soberly, reaching for her arms.

"I've heard that one before," she pushed past him and climbed onto the bus, with him hot on her heels.

"I had something to do and kinda I had a little trouble, and…" he tried to think of how to explain it without ruining the surprise. "Well I can't really say where I went, but-."

"Have you been drinking?" She asked flat-out, crossing her arms in front of her.

He looked stunned. "No."

Rayna looked like she didn't believe him one damn bit.

"It's always going to come to that, isn't it?" He realized, leaning against the wall, running his hands through his hair. And yeah, now he was mad at _her_. "Everytime anything happens, you're always going to assume I'm out somewhere getting _wasted._ Things happen, Rayna! It doesn't always mean I'm gonna be drunk!"

"You were every other time," Rayna shot back, and then put her hand over her mouth like she couldn't even believe she'd said such an awful thing out loud.

"You don't have any faith in me at all!"

"Well how can I?" She cried. "You're not dependable, Deacon. You're not here when I need you. Not telling me where you're going and going off to do god knows what….And you scare me. I just keep….waiting…for the brick to fall again, Deacon." And now she was crying, sobbing hard core. "I can't keep waiting for you to screw up again."

He looked completely wrecked, stunned, standing there staring at her.

"Well," he said calmly. "I'm glad I spent six months trying to keep my ass sober to hear that from a woman who says she loves me."

"Deacon, I do love you." She whispered. "I do. But I just….can't do it anymore. I need a break, or something. I just need…some time to myself. This is all too much."

"So what," he looked stunned. "This is it, Ray? Just…five years and like that you're done?"

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying we need a little time apart."

Their eyes met one more time, and he just turned and walked out.

"Deacon," he heard her say. "Don't leave like this. Don't go off angry and do something stupid."

"Why not," he muttered, swiping at the tears on his face as he stalked away from the bus without looking back. After all, it was what he did best.

#############################################

Deacon walked back into town and headed right for the autobody shop where they'd towed the car.

"That car ready tonight?"

The guy looked surprised. "I was gonna put the tire on tomorrow, it's kinda late."

"I'll pay you five hundred bucks to do it right now," Deacon said calmly. "I'm going back to Nashville, I need it tonight."

"Can't say no to that."

After the car was ready to go, he hit the road. But first he drove to the nearest liquor store at bought a fifth of Wild Turkey and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

 _"She thinks I'm a drunk, I might as well be one,"_ he thought bitterly. Still, those bottles sat there on the front seat for 100 miles staring him down before he touched either one.

Finally, he pulled over on the side of the deserted highway, sat on the hood of the car under the night sky, and opened the bottle of Jack.

In his other hand he had his wallet open, staring at the picture of him and Rayna from a couple years ago at one of the first industry parties she had ever dragged him to. "I don't know who I am without you, Ray." He whispered, as tears started streaming down his cheeks. "I tried so goddamn hard to do it for you."

Without a second's more hesitation, he opened the bottle to his lips and took a swig. It burned going down like fire in his stomach, remind him what hell felt like. A couple more swallows and he climbed back into the car and kept driving.

He'd barely made it to the Arkansas state line when he tossed away the first empty bottle and reached for the second one.

The lines on the highway grew blurrier and blurrier with each swallow, until they faded completely, and he couldn't remember which side of the line he was supposed to be on.

 _Maybe that's the problem,_ he thought, his mind a haze. _I never know which side of that damn line I'm supposed to be on when it comes to her._

His eyes slowly drifted closed. The last thing he remembered was taking the silver six months sober chip out of his pocket and tossing it over his left shoulder, along with the last empty bottle, before the asphalt turned to grass and dirt and trees.

##########################################

He woke up in the back of an ambulance, rubbing his bleary eyes, still half drunk, and struggled to sit up. In the ditch ahead of him he could make out among the towtrucks and firetrucks, the wreck of the mustang.

"Ow," he muttered. "Watch it," as the paramedic put another couple stitches in his arm.

"Hey," she demanded. "Quit moving around, please."

The police officer standing in front of him surveying the wreck walked over and handed him something. "You want that back?"

Deacon stared down at the picture of him and Rayna's smiling faces on the photograph, now smeared with dirt and blood. "Yeah," he whispered. "I want that back."

The officer actually looked sympathetic. "Look. I'm assuming this is about a woman. I've been there, guy. But the fact is, you're drunk, and we're going to have to take you in. I don't know how the hell you managed to wreck that car and not kill yourself, but you did. So as soon as we're done here, you're going to have to spend the night in the local tank. I won't even cuff ya if you cooperate."

Deacon closed his eyes. "Just get rid of it. Take it to the local junkyard. I don't want it."

"It could probably be fixed-."

"You heard me," he said louder than he intended. "Get rid of it."

"If you say so."

After the paramedics were done cleaning up the rest of the cuts and scrapes, and declaring him not in need of a hospital transfer, he ended up in the back of the squad car on the way to the local jail.

The officer in front had the radio on, and of all the damn songs in the entire country music business, it was playing one of the songs that had been a huge hit of Rayna's last year. "I shouldn't Love You."

"Can you turn that off please."

"You not a Rayna Jaymes fan?" The officer smirked.

"Not tonight."

#############################################

Rayna hadn't heard from Deacon in two weeks by the time they got back to Nashville. He'd just disappeared after their fight in Oklahoma and not come back. All she knew was that Coleman told her he was back in Nashville.

And she couldn't go running after him. Because she had 7 more shows before the tour took a break, and the press was absolutely all over the fact that once again she was using a backup guitarist.

It was the longest two weeks of her life, and she knew it showed onstage. It was hard to try to get a crowd riled up when your personal life was falling apart somewhere hundreds of miles away.

The headlines made her physically sick when she saw the morning paper on Tandy's kitchen table. She'd decided staying with her sister was the best thing for now, even though they were driving each other crazy already.

She traced the black and white print with her finger as she picked up the ringing phone on the wall. _Rayna Jaymes Splits From Long Time Guitarist_

"Hello?"

"So that's it," Coleman said on the phone. "You two broke up? Well that explains a lot."

Obviously he'd seen the paper also.

"We had a fight," Rayna cut him off. "There's a difference. People fight, Coleman."

"Yeah well," he said wryly. "Nobody fights like you and Deacon."

She couldn't argue with that.

"Has he been drinking?" she asked quietly.

Coleman's silence on the other end of the phone said enough.

"Well." Rayna said, giving a short laugh. "I don't know why I should even be surprised. He can't stay sober to save his own life. Literally."

"I'm not excusing it," Coleman said gruffly. "But he does have an valid excuse for some of the events that happened. This time."

"Events? What events?"

"Well there was an accident."

Her heart squeezed in fear. "He's okay though, right?" She hated herself for automatically going there. Her first thought wasn't even anger, it was _please don't let him be dead_.

"He's fine. And he did have an…incident. But he's not drinking now. He's just cooling off, Rayna. And you need to let him be or you're going to make it worse."

"Make it worse?" She exclaimed angrily. "Make it worse? How could I possibly make it _worse_? Do you know what it's like to try and function on a daily basis not knowing if the man you love is dead or just drying out somewhere after a bender?"

Coleman didn't sound too happy with her. "Probably as bad as it is thinking the woman you love always expects you to fail."

"What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Coleman sighed on the other end of the phone. "Look, like I said, Rayna, you didn't really give him much of a chance to explain-."

She hung up on Coleman without another word. And then she put her head down and wept.

#####################################

Deacon was sitting on the front porch with a guitar in his hand, just sitting there not really playing when she pulled her car to a stop in front of the stone house in East Nashville.

She loved this place. He'd bought a year ago when she'd signed her first big record deal with Edgehill, and suddenly they were both not so bad off financially. It was the first place that she'd ever really felt at home, maybe in her lifetime.

 _Baby, I saw this house, and it's just so us. I want out of that little apartment. We've been working hard. We deserve it._

Right now he looked like she felt, she thought to herself silently. Like hell. Like he hadn't slept in days.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hey," he murmured.

With shaking hands she climbed the porch steps and sat down on the swing next to him.

He sighed and put down his guitar, leaning it against the house.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Deacon, I'm so sorry."

"Me too," he said, his voice coming out in a ragged sigh as he took her hands in his. "I screwed up, Ray. I didn't drink that day, I swear to you. But later after we got into that fight….. And I'm trying so damn hard, you have to believe me."

Tears burned the corner of her eyes. "I know you are. It was my fault. I didn't even let you explain what happened. But if you want to explain it now."

Deacon thought of the wrecked car, and how it was long gone now. Of the anniversary that was already ruined and past. "It's not worth it," he shook his head. "And it's not your fault I drank. You didn't make me do it."

"It's not you I don't have faith in," she said, staring at the ground. "It's myself, Deacon. I don't know if I'll ever be enough to help you. And that scares the hell out of me."

He got quiet for awhile before he spoke.

"I wrote you a song last night. Wanna hear it?"

She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. "You know I do, babe."

Deacon grabbed the guitar back up and started to play.

 _It's as much your fault as it is mine  
We can point our fingers all damn night  
But you know as well as I do we're both crazy _

_There ain't no one who can fight like us  
Go all 12 rounds scream and cuss  
'Till we don't remember why we were even angry_

 _But you know I want you  
And I know you want me  
And that's all that matters  
Ain't it baby?_

 _I'm never singing, unless my song is for you  
So slam the door and I'll slam it back  
Baby I love you, and it's as simple as that_

 _Baby let's lay down and laugh about it  
Ain't it good, how good we got it  
Cause you can dish it out  
And I can take it  
But my heart, I know you'll never break_

 _Cause you know I want you  
And I know you want me  
And that's all that matters  
Ain't it baby?_

 _And I'm never running, unless it's close to you  
So slam the door and I'll slam it back  
Baby I love you and it's as simple as that_

 _It's an imaginary line we never crossed  
But it might seem like all is lost  
From the outside looking in_

 _And it ain't always black and white  
Sometimes you're wrong, sometimes I'm right  
But it's all the same in the end_

 _Cause you know I want you  
I know you want me  
And that's all that matters  
Ain't it baby?_

 _And I'm never singing, unless my song is for you  
So slam the door and I'll slam it back  
Cause who's to blame won't change the fact  
Baby I love you, and it's as simple as that_

By the time he finished, they were both crying.

Deacon took a ragged breath and swiped at his eyes. "You were right about the rehab. I need to go. That slip…It was only once, but…I'm on that edge again, Ray. I don't like being on that edge. And I don't want you standing on it with me."

She swallowed around the lump in her throat. "If that's what you wanna do."

"You'll be here when I get out?"

"Yeah," she said, squeezing his hand. "I'll be here. I love you, Deacon. I'll always be here, no matter what happens. And I'm proud of you for seeing that you need it."

He nodded, and she thought he seemed to breathe a little easier after that. "Ain't nobody who can fight like us, huh?"

She laughed softly, and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Ain't nobody who can make up like us either, though."

"You're sure right about that," he stood up from the swing and took her hand. "C'mon. Come inside and I'll remind ya."

Rayna let herself be lead into the house.

She couldn't let herself think about anything else in that moment, at the future full of question marks and uncertainties, at the realities she knew were some day going to be unavoidable.

Right now, he was here and she was here and she loved this man like she'd never loved anyone else.

And it was as simple as that.


	5. Chapter 5

**That Time Rayna Snuck Into Rehab**

Rayna sat outside the rehab facility in her car, looking up at the stark white building. It looked so cold, so ominous. She couldn't imagine it being the kind of place that "helped" anyone, but it had come highly recommended by a doctor that Bucky had found who worked specifically with AODA patients. It was a different facility than the first two they'd tried.

She'd never imagined 8 years ago when she had met Deacon that they'd end up here, of all the places, and more than once. The stress of the last few years was starting to take its toll. The pressures mounting as her career grew faster than she'd ever imagined….the exhaustive lifestyle that was a constant cycle of press events and awards shows and media obligations… and Deacon. He was a whole other kind of stress. The kind that kept her awake lying in bed at night waiting for click of the door that meant he had returned. Hoping that this time, just this time finally he would return and not be three sheets to the wind and pissed off at the entire world. Ever since Vince had died, he'd fallen into his old ways harder than ever, and she had no idea how to pull him back this time.

She was 24 years old, but she felt 20 years older.

 _How did my life end up here?_ She wondered this more than once lately.

He'd been in rehab for three weeks now. And she was hopeful it would work this time. It _had_ to work. Coleman said he seemed better. She hadn't seen him, but she wanted to see him so bad that she'd driven up here today.

She needed to see with her own eyes that it was working.

 _"I don't think it's a good idea, Rayna,"_ Coleman said, shaking his head when she brought it up one day over lunch the week before. " _He needs to know he's doing this for himself, not just for you. You're…a distraction. Don't go up there."_

 _The words stung, and the expression on her face showed it._

 _"Listen, I know you love him," Coleman said gently. "But if you really want him to get better, you need to let him go. Just for awhile."_

 _"I can't do that," she said, her bottom lip trembling. "I don't know how."_

And now, here she sat.

Taking a deep breath, she climbed out of the car and headed for the glass doors.

The nurse at the front desk did not look too impressed.

"We don't allow visitors unless it's immediate family," she said, her lips pressed together in disapproval. "Are you family?"

"Yes," Rayna said, before she could change her mind. "I'm his sister…..Beverly."

Hopefully Nurse Ratchet wasn't a fan of country music. Rayna had tried to tuck her red hair under an old ballcap, but there were still a few people staring.

"You have one hour. He's in room 127 down the hall there."

"Thank you." Her heart pounded as she walked down the hallway and peeked into the room, knocking on the open door.

He was laying on the bed, tv remote in his hand, and he looked, she thought, absolutely miserable. Her heart sunk.

She had a piece of mind to chew Bucky out as soon as she got a chance. _Some rehab center,_ she thought. It was as cold as it looked on the outside. An empty, sterile room with nothing but a tv on the wall in the corner.

But when he saw her, his eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Ray? What are you doing here? How did they even let you in?"

She closed the door gently, trying to keep her hands from shaking as she walked over and sat down next to him on the bed. "I just…wanted to make sure you were okay …," she whispered.

With a heavy sigh, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her like both of their lives depended on it. "You don't know how much I needed to see you," his voice was a choked sob next to her ear as he laid his head on her shoulder.

"I know," she said softly. "I know. I'll be here when you get out, Deacon. I'll be waiting right outside, just like I was last time. It's just a couple more weeks. "

He picked her up off the bed and carried her over to the couch against the wall, and they spent a long time kissing and talking quietly. He kept one eye on the door the whole time, waiting for the day nurse to appear any second and chastise him. They'd probably put him on kitchen duty for a week if they found Rayna in there. That was what he hated the most. They treated you like a damn little kid.

"It sucks here," he confessed. "They won't even let me have my guitar. I've been writing a lot of lyrics though. It's the only thing that gets me through. That and thinking about you."

"I can't wait to see what we can do with them," she snuggled closer to him. "When you get out. Things are going to be so much better."

He closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair. "This isn't enough for me. God, I just want to be with you so bad, Ray."

"I know," she sighed. "I miss going to sleep next to you. Waking up next to you in the morning. It's so lonely. But you need to be here, babe. We both know you do."

He got quiet for a minute.

Rayna reluctantly rose from his lap. "I guess I should go before they kick me out. They sure seem to have a lot of rules here."

"Don't go," he murmured, pulling her back in by the waist and kissing her again.

"I have to," her eyes filled with tears.

"Maybe just a little longer?" Hegave her a suggestive look and the mischievous smile she loved so much.

"Deacon! I can't," She laughed softly, her finger playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. "That cranky nurse will be coming in here any second to chase me out. What am I going to do, hide in the closet?"

"The shower. Let's take a shower." He gently pushed her off his lap and stood up. "That'll buy us at least an hour." He took her by the hand and pulled her towards the bathroom. "Cmon, you're not going to say no and leave me another night thinking about it, are you?"

He was damn convincing, that was for sure, she thought, unable to hide a smile as she took his outstretched hand.

"Alright. You _are_ looking a little tired. I think a nice hot shower is exactly what you need," she agreed, laughter bubbling up as she followed him into the bathroom. "But make sure you lock the door. I don't trust Nurse Ratchet one bit."

An hour later, after they'd made love in the shower with a kind of desperation Rayna could never remember before, and stood there until the hot water ran out letting the warmth and the steam wash all their troubles away, they emerged from the bathroom re-dressed, and Rayna thought, kind of recharged. She'd _needed_ this. She needed him.

And there stood the grumpy nurse, in the middle of his room with her arms crossed, tapping the toe of her orthopedic shoe against the tile.

"Uh oh," Deacon muttered. "Busted."

Rayna winced.

"Do you always shower with your sister?" The nurse asked, no holds barred.

Deacon caught her eye, and Rayna saw he was trying not to smirk.

"Sorry," Rayna started, "It's my fault, I just wanted to see him-."

"I've been doing this for thirty years," the nurse shook her finger. "I know all the tricks. I've seen and heard it all. You. Out." She pointed a bony finger in Rayna's direction.

Rayna scowled at her and opened her mouth to protest, but she felt Deacon reach for her hand and give it a little squeeze, and she sighed resolutely.

"Alright. Bye, babe." Rayna pressed one more kiss to his cheek.

"It was worth it," Deacon murmured, the corners of his mouth turning up into a grin. "See ya in three weeks, sweetheart."

She walked out of the rehab facility feeling a bit more cheerful, loving the warmth of the afternoon sun on her face. So what if they'd bent the rules a little. It was just one visit, just one afternoon. Deacon would come home soon and everything would go back to normal. But as she climbed back into her car, the words Coleman had said the week before came back to haunt him. _If you really want him to get better, you need to let him go. Don't go up there, Rayna. He needs to want to do this for himself not you, and you're going to put him right back to where he started._

Resolutely she pushed the feeling away.

 _Just three more weeks_ , she thought silently. _Then everything will be okay…._

But she couldn't ignore the uneasy thought, as she got into her car and drove away with the big white building in her rearview mirror, she'd just made one very big mistake.

It would take five more years and two more rounds of rehab and more tears than she'd ever imagined she could cry before Rayna would be able to finally admit to herself that Coleman had been right.

She couldn't fix him. He had to want it for himself, not her. And the best thing she could ever do to get him there was let him go.


	6. Chapter 6

**11 years and a little souvenir _..._**

 _"Oh, this is amazing," Rayna murmured as she spun around in the wide open space, admiring the view of the river, the unfinished walls, the classic wide open design. "This is exactly what we've always talked about."_

 _"It's perfect, isn't it?" He said, his face beaming. "I knew you'd love it."_

 _"It is," she said, nodding her head. "But Deacon you know you're not…." She chose her words carefully. He always had this tendency to try to make huge decisions right after he got out, as if he was trying to prove to her he could "handle" them. Which was why the cabin didn't surprise her. He'd just went through rehab for the fourth time. And even though he always seemed a little stronger when he came out, when he did fall, it was always 10 times worse than it had been before. Truthfully, she was scared to hope anymore. She just savored those good moments they had, every single one of them._

 _"I know, I know," he said. "I'm not supposed to make big decisions after rehab." He put his arms around her waist and just kinda stood there looking at her teary eyed._

 _"What? What's the matter?"_

 _"You're just so damn beautiful… I missed you so much."_

 _"Me too, babe."_

God, that weekend seemed like it had been so far away now, and it had only been six weeks.

Rayna stared down at the plastic stick in her hand as she sat on the closed toilet lid, and willed it to stay how it was right now, with that one faint line. She squeezed her eyes shut and counted to two minutes in her head, and when she opened them and looked again, her heart sunk. Two very distinctive lines.

She was most definitely pregnant.

"Hey," Tandy banged on the bathroom door. "Are you almost ready? We need to leave in 10 minutes. Daddy will have a fit if we're late for dinner."

Slowly she rose to her feel, feeling like she was going to be sick. Whether that was from the current state of her reproductive system or the reality of the situation, she didn't know. She opened the door and Tandy stood there, arms crossed in her blue linen suit, looking annoyed. Then she saw the evidence in Rayna's hand, and her eyes widened.

"Rayna!"

"I think I'm going to pass out," Rayna said faintly as she sank onto the edge of the bathtub.

"I guess dinner with Daddy is off."

###################################

Deacon whistled to himself as he leaned against the side of the truck, filling it with gas, watching the numbers on the pump rise. He was headed up to the cabin for the weekend. Kinda hoped Rayna would take the invitation he'd left on her answering machine to come up and join him.

Yeah, he'd been pretty pissed off when he found out she'd been seeing the mayor's son. But he was over it now. They'd talked about it. His ring was on her finger. Things were going good. They were finally gonna make it official, get married and all, maybe, he thought, have some kids of their own some day. In the way off future.

He had big plans, and Rayna was in the middle of every single one of em.

A shiny black BMW with tinted windows pulled up to the pump on the other side of him, and Deacon watched with a smirk as the driver didn't even get out to pump his own gas, just stuck his arm out and motioned for the hired kid to come over and do it for him.

One of Nashville's very own trust fund babies **,** he thought _. What a yuppie._

The driver rolled down the window, and of all people, Deacon found himself face to face with Teddy Conrad.

He tried to keep his temper in check. Of all the people…

 _I should have kicked his ass six weeks ago_ , he thought silently.

"Well look what the cat dragged out of rehab," Teddy said coolly, whipping off his sunglasses. "Shouldn't you be sleeping it off in an alley somewhere."

"Nice to see you again, Teddy," Deacon said mildly. "Having fun playing dress up in your daddy's suit?"

Teddy seemed unperturbed as he climbed out of his car to go inside the gas station and pay.

"When I see Rayna tonight for our date, I'll be sure to tell her you said hi," he said, leaning in close enough that anyone else around them would hear. There was definitely a crowd gathering, and Teddy knew it. "When she's screaming my name later," he finished with quiet smirk.

Deacon's fists started to ball up, and he had to keep count in his head to make himself keep breathing and not pummel the guy right into the cement. People were watching, he wasn't an idiot. Teddy's father would have him back in jail so fast it would make his head spin. And then he'd lose Rayna for good.

Unless, he thought, his mood sinking as he watched Teddy confidently walk away.

Unless he already had.

######################################

"How could you let this happen, Rayna? Didn't I teach you anything?"

Rayna sat at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. "It's not like we weren't careful," she said defensively. "I've only seen Deacon one weekend in the last three months."

"Well once is all it takes, you know that! This is going to ruin everything," Tandy snapped. "You're supposed to be dating Teddy Conrad, remember? I thought you and Deacon were done."

"We were. We are," Rayna defended. "Well I don't know what we are. I never do. We're just…all tangled up, him and me. Yes, he's a mess. I know that. But I love him. And you can't change that."

"Maybe you can just tell Teddy it's his."

Rayna looked appalled. "I am not doing that! For one thing, Teddy and I have only been on two dates, and we haven't slept together. For another, Deacon has a right to know. He….asked me to marry him."

"Oh for god's sakes. I hope you didn't say yes."

"Of course I said yes. _I love him_. But then he saw some stupid article in the newspaper about me and Teddy, and he flipped out. I haven't seen him since. That was weeks ago."

Tandy got a mulish look on her face, but she wisely didn't say anything else.

"Can you drive me up to the cabin?" Rayna murmured. "Please? I just…need to talk to him. I need to see how he feels about this. I know he's going up there this weekend."

Her sister reluctantly agreed. Rayna didn't say much driving up to the cabin. Tandy sat next to her in the driver's seat muttered rantings under her breathe while she drove.

#####################################

Rayna's heart sunk as she watched through the window. They hadn't even gone in, and she could see Deacon having a meltdown, throwing things with one hand, and holding a bottle of liquor in the other.

"So much for that fourth time and $25,000 going to good use," Tandy said under her breathe.

Rayna shook her head sadly. She couldn't take her eyes off of him. Watching him implode like that once again hurt so badly. She felt his pain inside her own soul, as if she held that anger and frustration inside of herself and there was nowhere for it to go. "He's getting there," she defended. "He is. Every time he comes back out, he stays sober a little longer, and he seems, I don't know…different. He knows he has a problem, and he's trying. Doesn't that count for anything? He's sick, Tandy. He needs help. If I don't help him, who will?"

Tandy pursed her lips together. "Would you listen to yourself? Look through that window, Rayna. Do you want to put your child through that? This isn't just about you anymore."

Rayna chewed her bottom lip and watched as he completely destroyed what was left of the kitchen in the cabin, just throwing whatever he could get his hands on and not caring where it landed.

"Come on," Tandy said briskly. "Let's go get you into bed with Teddy Conrad."

Rayna glared at her. "You're sick. You're worse than Daddy."

Tandy's expression softened. "Listen," she said gently. "Why don't you just give him a couple days to cool off before you talk to him. You don't want to go in there right now, Rayna. You don't even know what he's mad about."

Reluctantly she let Tandy lead her away.

She never got a few days, though. That night Deacon got into a fight at one of the local bars, and off to jail he went. This time the rehab was court ordered, and they sent him to a facility in Arizona. And one night a week later, she did what Tandy said. She made herself sleep with Teddy Conrad. And then as soon as he passed out for the night, she went into the bathroom and took a shower and sobbed, great silent sobs so that he wouldn't hear. It was the worst heartbreak she'd ever felt, but she ran a hand over her still flat stomach and vowed that somehow some day she would make her child understand that this had been the only way. And Teddy would be a good dad. She knew he would.

The next time she saw Deacon, she was 8 months pregnant, and Teddy's wedding ring was already on her finger. Deacon had been to rehab five times now. They'd spent 11 years writing songs that secured Rayna's place as the #1 country music female artist in the nation. They'd made every single mistake in the book along the way. They'd alternately loved each other and put each other through hell. And then, they'd made a baby he didn't know was his.

And still, Rayna thought one spring afternoon as she looked at him standing in front of her in the middle of the park where they used to meet, her heart still hurt for him. She wondered if that would ever stop.

"Hey Ray," he said quietly. "Kinda surprised you called."

"Kinda surprised you didn't,"she blurted out. "I heard you've been back in town for a couple months."

"Didn't want to go messin' anything else up for you."

He was different now, Rayna realized. Different than the other four times. His eyes were sad, but that wildness, those shadows that had always followed him around were gone.

Somehow she knew in her heart this time _was_ different.

This time it had worked.

And she'd married another man.

"You look good," he said quietly. He'd kinda braced himself for this when he'd agreed to meet her, seeing her pregnant and all. It wasn't like her picture hadn't been all over the news and magazines. But seeing her in person like that….and knowing he hadn't been the one to make her that way…. It made his chest hurt all over again. She looked so sweet and pretty in an oversized sundress with her belly sticking way out in front of her. Pregnancy agreed with her.

She grimaced as she lowered herself to the bench of the picnic table. "I feel gigantic."

"Not long to go, huh?" he sat down next to her.

 **"** A little while," she said evasively. Sometimes she still expected him to show up at her door and ask. To just _know_ that it was his.

"Well anyway," he said, squinting up at the afternoon sun. "You called. So here I am."

She took a deep breath. "I want you to come back and play in my band."

Deacon stared at her. "What?"

"You heard me."

"Rayna, that's…not a very good idea. To say the least."

"Why not?"

"Well for one thing," he said, "Your husband and I can't stand each other."

Rayna waved it off. "How much are you really going to be around each other anyway? Teddy doesn't travel when I tour. He gets motion sickness on the bus."

Deacon smirked. "Why am I not surprised."

She rolled her eyes, but she smiled a little. _We can do this,_ she thought silently. _We can be friends._

"The music…it's not the same," she struggled to explain. "I don't know how to make it sound good without you."

Deacon nodded. He knew. He knew exactly.

"Rayna….you're having another man's baby," he said, drawing out each word painfully. "I just don't think I can deal with watching that happen. I'm in a good place now with my sobriety. Better than I've ever been. And I just…don't want to do anything to mess that up."

She got quiet, and then nodded. "I don't either. I'm taking some time off from touring until after the baby's born. Will you at least think about it?"

"I will," he said. "No promises."

She bumped his knee lightly. "Yeah, you and me we never were too good at keeping those, huh?" She tried to lighten the mood. "Promises."

His eyes were bright blue in the afternoon sun. "Oh I don't know," he said softly. "I think we did pretty good there for awhile."

Rayna started twisting the gold diamond on her finger, and suddenly her face crumpled, as the reality of that ring and this baby and what it meant the man sitting next to her had lost suddenly hit home.

"Hey now," he said softly, reaching out to rub her shoulder. "You did the right thing, Ray. Not waiting. Don't doubt yourself. Teddy can give you more than I ever could."

"Some days, Deacon, it doesn't feel like the right thing." She confessed. "Not at all."

"It will. When that little one gets here and you hold him in your arms."

"Her," she said with a smile, swiping at the tears on her cheek. "It's a girl."

His heart squeezed painfully. "She'll be just as pretty as her mama, I bet."

"You know, he thinks I should give up my career." She said, shaking her head. "Teddy."

"What?" Deacon stared at her.

"To stay at home and have babies and…I don't know, be a trophy wife or something," Rayna rolled her eyes. "I think he had political plans in the near future. You know me, Deacon. Those are _not_ my people. I'm not politician's wife material."

"What about your career? Are you going to?"

"Like hell!"

 _That's my girl,_ Deacon thought, unable to hide a little bit of pride.

Rayna put her hand on the side of his face and he closed his eyes. Every fiber of his being wanted to push her away, but physically he couldn't do it.

No one in his life had ever owned a piece of him like Rayna did.

He didn't know how they were ever going to untangle themselves.

He kissed her forehead, and then she leaned her cheek there against his flannel shirt and hugged him close like she used to.

Only it was different now. There was movement between them, and the baby in her belly kicked hard enough that he felt it too, like a little reminder.

They weren't his. Neither one of them. One used to be, and one never would be.

He let his breathe out long and slow, and painstakingly pulled away from her.

"You should go." He said softly, but firmly.

She swiped at the last few tears.

"See you around? Think about what I said, okay?"

"I'll do that."

 _ **###################################**_

Rayna walked into her house an hour later, being carefully to make sure her eyes didn't look puffy and red from all the crying she'd done on the way home.

Teddy was waiting there, in the kitchen, like he always was when she got home.

"Where've you been?" He asked, sounding annoyed.

"Just out," Rayna said, avoiding his eyes. "Are we going out for dinner?"

Teddy pursed his mouth in a hard line.

"What's the matter?"

Teddy stomped over to the answering machine and stabbed at the replay button.

Deacon's voice seemed to take over the whole room. "Hey," he said. "I thought about what you said earlier. If the offer still stands, I'll take it. I'll come back to your band. "

"Well that was fast," she said lightly, trying to act like it was no big deal.

 _But he did that on purpose,_ she realized _ **.**_ _So Teddy would know._

And so nothing would happen between the two of them that shouldn't.

"What the hell, Rayna," Teddy fumed. "We had an agreement. And what were you even doing _around_ him in your current…state? What if he figures it out?"

"Our agreement is with our marriage and with this baby," Rayna said quietly. "This arrangement with Deacon is business."

"It's never just business with you and him, and you know it."

She swallowed hard, and rubbed the spot on her side where the baby kicked hard, as if reminding her mama that she was there. "This time," she said firmly. "It is. It wasn't even Deacon's idea, it was mine. So you can either deal with it, or you can get out of the house that all the number one hits him and I wrote together bought. Your decision, Teddy. I don't want to argue with you over this, but it's my career on the line here."

Teddy's anger faded and he just looked so uncertain that Rayna almost felt sorry for him.

"This is really what you want?" he asked with a ragged sigh.

"Yes, Teddy. This is what I want."

He threw up his hands in defeat, and Rayna smiled and went to him and put her arms around his neck and tried to put as much enthusiasm into kissing him as possible.

 _Well that's one thing Deacon Claybourne and I have in common,_ he thought sardonically.

Neither one of them had ever been able to say no to Rayna Jaymes.

 **Here's the thing: the order of how some of the stuff was played in the show didn't make sense to me. The night Deacon took her to the cabin and she got pregnant with Maddie… I guess he COULD have started drinking just because he couldn't sleep, but more than likely something would have had to set him off. So in my head, he didn't drink that night and maybe it was the later time when she went to the cabin to tell him she was pregnant that she realized he'd started drinking again and she threw the ring at his feet. So this chapter was my AU version of those events.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


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